


Loved.

by fayth_of_oerba



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8357407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fayth_of_oerba/pseuds/fayth_of_oerba
Summary: Merlin goes to a place from his past to reflect.





	

The night sky is a rich azure, with specks of glittering white that shine and twinkle. They are generously spread across a canvas of blue like cottages speckled across the rolling countryside as far as the eye can see. 

The air is sharp but still and every crunch of stones against Merlin's boots cause the air to waver and shiver as the sound slices through the ambiance like a blade. 

Merlin lets his eyes roam around, taking in the calm water, it's surface unmoving and reflective. Seemingly an ocean of stars. For how much Merlin dreaded coming back here he had to admit how beautiful it was, how different from the grotesque and jagged landscape that spiraled out of his mind and scratched a place into his dreams every night.  
Merlin sat on the shore of the lake, cold stones pressed into his legs. He ran his fingers through the water, watching the ripples echo out and the reflection dance and waver. He took a deep breathe then spoke. 

"I'm sorry it's been so long since I was here last." Merlin paused. "I'd tell you I've been busy but I think we both know that's not true... Time is something I have aplenty of." 

Merlin lifted his fingers from the cold water and grabbed a pebble, he traced his fingers over the smooth edges to give himself something to do, something to anchor himself to.

"Truth is... It's... hard to come back." Merlin almost laughed as he said the words. As if that wasn't the most under exaggerated thing have had ever said. 

He didn't come back because when he wasn't here, every inhale didn't remind him of blond hair and crooked teeth. Every exhale wasn't kind blue eyes and a golden ring on an index finger. When Merlin wasn't here he didn't have to remember the feeling of cold chain mail against his hands or the ache in his muscles from dragging around the body of his king. A king who made Merlin feel normal for once in his life, made him feel loved in a way no one else had. 

When Merlin wasn't here he could try to forget. It made him feel ill, wanting to forget. Wishing that he couldn't remember hushed laughs and private smiles and meaningful looks. Things that made him so happy a lifetime ago, but now only seemed to scratch against half healed wounds, that embedded inside his skin and bone and soul, things that sat and festered. 

"I... uh. I'm here because Gwen... she uh, died today." Merlin clenched his jaw and blinked back the tears in his eyes. 

"I haven't seen her since, the day you..." he trailed off. "I never went back to Camelot... I couldn't. And I know you would be angry at me if you were here but you... aren't, and I told you that Camelot is nothing without you. I said that. I'm rambling, sorry." 

Merlin breathed in the cold air and wiped at the corner of his eyes. 

"She was 68, I think. I lost count every now and then." Merlin sighed. "Gwen's gone... Gaius is long gone, Percival died a dozen or so years after you, Leon a few after him. Gwaine died the same day as you and Morgana." 

Merlin wiped at a tear that rolled down his cheek and fiddled with the buttons on his coat, looping them in and out and in and out. 

"That's why I'm here... Everyone I ah... Everyone I've ever known is gone. And I'm-"

The tears started to build up and overflow, they ran in hot cascades down Merlin's cheek as he used the back of his hand to furiously rub them away. His throat seized and constricted trying to choke the words from his tongue but they came out small and fragile. 

"I'm alone." 

Merlin gripped the pebble in the palm of his hand, squeezing against it until his hand bloomed with heat and ached and begun to shake. 

"You were supposed to... meant to be king. You were meant to be happy and instead you..." 

Merlin's fingernails dug into the stone until blood welled up from underneath. Merlin's words were rough and harsh as he pushed them through his throat, fighting back tears. 

"You said you would be here and look after me and I..." 

Merlin placed a hand on the ground, pushing himself to his feet. 

"I hate you! You were meant to be here and you died!" 

Merlin's voice rose, cracking and breaking against the sobs. Resentment grew and built itself up in Merlin's chest, years upon years of bitterness, of being alone in the early hours of the morning and waking to an empty house. Moments when he would say something that reminded him of Gwen or Gaius or Arthur before his heart would crack and break all over again. Malice over the fact that this wasn't what his life should have been.

"Why did you leave me Arthur!?" Merlin screeched, throwing the stone into the lake before falling to his knees, his eyes red and stinging. 

Merlin's chest rose and fell, his breath coming in short bursts if at all. His insides felt bloated and swollen, like everything inside of him was too big and too deep to be contained in his body. Like it would grow and grow until it burst forth from his body, rending flesh and breaking bone. 

Merlin spoke the thoughts that haunted him most. The thought that coloured his life and sat just outside of view, always in the back of his mind. 

"I... I failed you." Merlin whispered. 

Sobs wracked over Merlin's body, his shoulders shaking as he heaved breathes through his mouth. His hands shaking in front of him, cold and numb. Pins of ice ran down his throat making every word burn like cold fire and his head pulsed with sickness and hurt. 

The lake was silent and seemed to watch Merlin, watched him now as it did all those years ago on the worst day of his life. Watched him drag the body of the man he loved to it's shores, watched him kiss Arthur for the last time, quiet and foreboding and almost sympathetic. 

Merlin rubs his eyes clean of tears and wiped his sleeve under his mouth and nose. Taking a deep breath before speaking, the words not as clear or as strong as he would have liked. 

"Kilgharrah... he said that you would come back when Albion needed you. I- I know I'm not... Please Arthur, I'm begging you."

Merlin raised his head to look across the lake, his eyes brimming with tears and years of torment. 

"Please come back to me... I need you." Merlin whispered. 

Merlin thought of quiet kisses in Arthur's chamber, of kind words and playful punches. He thought of visiting his mother in Ealdor and holding Arthur's hand in a thunderstorm even though the prat refused to admit he was scared. He thought of playing with Arthur's hair when he was sick in bed and he thought of pressing kisses to Arthur's cold forehead and lifeless hands, whispering adorations that would never be heard. 

Merlin stood up and looked out towards the lake again. Steeling himself, his eyes drifting vaguely along the blue waters. 

"I love you, Arthur... and I miss you... so much." Merlin paused, seemingly waiting for an answer he knew would never come. 

Merlin turned his back on the glistening stretch, pushing his feet one in front of the other away from this place. 

"Merlin." A familiar voice called out. 

Merlin spun around and was faced with an empty shore and deserted lake, as quiet and serene and lifeless as it was when he first arrived. 

He began his journey home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is just a short piece because I wanted to write something but had no ideas for a big fic. Let me know what you think. Thanks.


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